"I'm afraid of Commitment." This is false.

  We are attached to one another. And all of my pictures have disappeared and I only have this Zion trip to pull from. And I love this pic.

    I am currently living my dream. I work in a center that devotes its’ practice to repairing attachment. Every client is given an attachment goal, every therapist has the needs cycle memorized and we teach and preach about attachment until the cows come home, or whatever that saying is. Are they coming or going? I know nothing about the habits of cows. But we talk about it all day long.

Attachment is the work that I have chosen to do for the rest of my life and I love it. This is why: relationships run this world. I believe that. No human can live an isolated life, simply because it is impossible. And those who are as isolated as any man can be—whether through choice or circumstance—well, do we really expect these people to be able to fit into a normal life? We can’t and for the most part, we don’t. We expect problems from those that cut themselves off from others. That is when attachment becomes a focus of therapy. People struggle with relationships throughout their lives and sometimes they require a little extra help. And from where I am standing, this struggle with relationships is the best thing about life. Our connections to others are always changing and we are always changing.

If relationships are this important (as I really do believe they are) how can we expect good things out of people if they are unable to connect to others and learn from and be loved by others?

Attachment is what I believe in. And with that belief, it makes it so hard to be in a world where independence and isolation are lauded as our ultimate goals. In this world, an inability to commit is held close to your heart; as if it is the product of 20 years of hard work-when it is really it is the product 20 years of pushing others away. It comes in so many disguises and it has so many catch phrases.

“I’m a commitment-phobe”

“It is so hard for me to settle down”

“I can never make decisions”

“I’ve got so much going on at work I don’t have time for that.”

+ the age-old, “I have trust issues.”

And these excuses, these words can save us because the rest of us have been trained to nod and say, “Yeah, I’ve been there.” And maybe we haven’t, but we’ve seen it on TV and we’ve read about it in books and we’ve listened to a million songs about it. So we nod our heads and accept this excuse for ending a relationship, for ignoring someone else’s pain and for pushing away anyone that gets close.

And then, with those words—those words that should be empathic and encouraging (“I’ve been there” and “You’re right” and “I understand what you mean”) you are really just helping someone to justify avoiding a relationship. We are all hurting each other by accepting these excuses for drifting away from relationships. A relationship that could be good. And yes, you’re right, not every relationship is going to change you and we don’t belong in every relationship. But then again, how often are those catch phrases actually legitimate excuses? Aren’t we largely the product of our interactions with others? And if we are, don’t we want to meet as many people as possible? Every person we meet knows something (and really, a lot of somethings) that we don’t know. People have something to offer us and we should stop being afraid and just let ourselves be affected by others. Because, surprisingly, the majority of people will be there for us and they won't let us down.

So, to wrap up this soap box of mine I want to say that I will not tolerate those excuses from myself or anyone that I love. Because there is no reason for any of us to cling to our trust issues thinking that it will make our lives easier. Be open to relationships with people who are so flawed and imperfect that you don’t think you could ever connect with them. Be open to relationships with people that you think are better than you because there will be something to learn from them. Don’t be afraid to be securely attached to another individual-it’s the best thing that we can do in this life. Because (I have to, I’ve been obsessed for the last 20 years) “To love another person is to see the face of God.” And that, ladies and gents, is why I believe we must connect with others. 

Hipsters who hike together stay together. Hikesters 4 lyfe.

ps. I understand that for so many it isn't just a matter of getting over their trust issues, bad relationships, etc. So, if you need some help overcoming some past relationships that ended badly, go see someone-me, a friend or a professional or me (really, I'm always available). Don't let it become an excuse for further isolating yourself.